"Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know." - Keats
It’s a sunny Autumn day and I’m kneeling on the grass of our back lawn, looking out at the patchwork of forest and green hills that rolls down to the sea… my exquisite 3 yr old daughter is on my lap, humming to herself. I wish with all my heart that her innocence is protecting her, but I know beyond knowing that she’s picking up on everything her father and I are feeling. And it’s so unfair. I’m watching myself energetically destroy her but I’m powerless to do anything about it.
William Bay, with it’s protected coves and massive granite boulders wading into the sea like elephants makes a stunning vista, and it’s the view from my backyard - a view people save for months and travel long distances to partake of - but I’m numb to the beauty. I can see it, but I can’t feel it. I’m just too sucked dry.
I’m in the nausea stage of pregnancy with my fifth babe; my Tiger husband, so resilient and unkillable, is on his ninth life, recently diagnosed with a rare and virulent cancer; and the lid on all my human garbage that I’d shoved down so tight even I didn’t know it was there - is steadily being lifted… All I can feel past the horror is regret for the certainty that these beautiful mischievous children of mine, who by all accounts have thus far aced it with the spirited and loving parents they had chosen, are now consigned to a mother who will never smile again.
In a cruel twist of fate, after years and years of chasing the rainbow, (our own land to establish as a sovereign sanctuary), when the pot of gold felt soooo close… the clouds have come and we are wandering in shadows far from home. We have nothing to cling to but each other and even that is being taken away.
Worse than being marooned on a desert island, I feel trapped in a human body and abandoned on Earth for the duration. The weight of all the times I have done this before, in other lives, in different ways is like an elephant on my chest. When my husband finally succumbs in my arms I envy him his early exit. Our souls have always been in such cohoots, I know beyond knowing that if he has skated out early, then I have signed up to be here well into my nineties and we’ll be working together from opposite sides of the rainbow. It feels heavy from my side.
But I wrap up the broken pieces of my heart, put the best part of me to sleep, roll up my sleeves and let the mother part of me, the warrioress part of me take charge, looking to see where the Eagle guides… and as a band of six now, we take the wide-roaming adventure that comes.
In our last summer together he would do this thing as we were snuggled in bed where he’d fill up his body with love until he was overflowing, and then he’d put his hands on my back and push it through me. It felt like being flown on a high kite. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was in training to recognise his energy signature, and being familiar with it not only Connected me back to him after he’d transitioned back into non-physical, it led me back to my Connection with myself.
At first all I had to go on was a decision to feel good in each moment. To choose thoughts that made everything at least ok. And he literally carried me through that initial time. Whenever I was down he’d wap this golden energy around me until I was smiling again. And I began to notice something. If I was “up” I could sense his presence and feel the magic and synchronicity all around. If I was “down” I’d lose contact with it, being energetically too far away. So all in all it was a no brainer to care about how I felt, to cultivate how I felt, because if one thing was sure, I knew I didn’t have the energy or the guts to live a long and miserable life. If I didn’t fulfil other people’s perceptions of how a widow should behave that was their problem not mine. I was willing to be amused, to spend the moment well, but there was a hardness in it too. On the inside I still felt like a prisoner who was making the best of it. And I still punished the body that was my prison - subtly with things like drinking too much coffee and not enough water, and more overtly by pushing myself callously to the limit, getting a perverse thrill from seeing how much I could take.
It took a health crisis and being on my knees before I was ready to actually be kind to myself, but one choice at a time, one acceptance at a time, one forgiveness at a time I stopped being the wedge and allowed the gap between my human self and my true Self to close.
I’ve switched allegiance now you see, from my human perspective to my infinite perspective; from my self to my Self; from my little i to my big I. And it has made ALL the difference. From the perspective of the human, it’s an impossible task - there are just too many things done and not done, said and not said, to ever feel entitled to the ease and grace and joyous abandon of unconditional love... but from that Divine aspect of I - well, there is no gap to close, there is only infinite compassion and pure, unwavering love, no matter what.
How has switching allegiance coloured my experience here on the ground? Well I allow myself to feel the Beauty, not just outside me but echoing through me; I profoundly accept that there is a bigger picture I can’t always see from my human vantage point, but trust it nonetheless, and I’m infused with the Knowing that everything, everything has its place in that greater tapestry; I deeply get now that the path of self love is the path of least resistance and greatest well-being, both as an individual here in this space-time continuum and in how I contribute to the collective consciousness here on the planet; over and over I experience that alignment between i & I is my flow state that calls my desires into being; I can genuinely enjoy being in my skin, or at least feel ok, rather than feeling desperately trapped; able to experience Life as a Game, rather than feeling like a hostage with a gun pressing into my back. And best of all, I have smile lines on my smile lines from laughing with my kids. Does it make every moment perfect? Hell no. But I never abandon myself anymore. If a gap opens, I know how to close it.
It’s easy to put words around it now. We were both very sensitive, intuitive souls with an aeons-old karmic connection to each other and that indigo-generation streak of never really fitting in - fierce independence coupled with a deep mistrust of society and authority. When Life beautifully orchestrated us to collide we got such a mainline hit of Source Energy we naturally assumed our Connection to Love and Bliss was through each other. We knew we were onto something amazing. We just didn’t realise that is was the feeling of being realigned inside ourselves that we were in love with. In falling into each other’s eyes, in contacting the depths of each other’s soul, in that instant hit of ageless recognition, we had each catalysed a total Reconnection with Self for the other. And that feeling is far beyond any drug hit, anything you can put in your mouth.
It’s the total face palm of being human. We are born whole, totally Connected to our true origins... conduits for wonder, delight, love and appreciation… and gradually we forget ourselves in these ego-driven bodies, in these seemingly separate forms, as we try to adapt to the world around us and take hit after hit from Life. We lose alignment between self and Self as our perceptions become more and more distorted trying to make sense of it all, please others and stay safe.
And then, something happens that catches us off guard, when resistance is down, and this tingling magic rushes into every cell like a tropical tide making life feel fresh and sweet and new… and we think it’s the outside circumstance - the person, the thing… We never suspect for a moment that it’s actually a BAM moment of dropping into our true selves, into alignment with all that is… a long lick of Unconditional Love. It’s the rule. It’s always been the rule. It’s Universal Law. But we’re so unaccustomed to it in our swamps of lack and anxiety and regret and self-loathing… that it feels like the exception.
We long for that sense of Connection, once unassailable, now ephemeral… and we seek for it endlessly in relationships, in circumstances, catching whiffs of it but never quite remembering how to get it back. And irony of ironies, when we do finally snare Bliss in our nets we often cast it away again, unable to truly partake of happiness from a human belief of not being worthy. Talk about an orphaned child!!!
So what do you do to reconnect your inner abandoned child with the truth of Unconditional Love? You go mama on them and love them so completely, so consistently, no matter what, that the feeling seeps into their doubting bones and they can’t help but blossom.
What would it be like, if you reached back and took the hand that has always been extended to you and wrapped yourself in that wholeness again?
Are you ready to go Mama on your(self)? Could you switch allegiance and approach your life from a radically compassionate perspective? It’s so much easier this way… accessing the eyes of Unconditional Love - you get to bask in the Beauty that abounds, and overflow…
Join me here for the 5 day Radical Self-Love Alignment Challenge and I’ll pave the way for you to reunite within yourself.